I've Never Been in Style, and I'm Not Starting Now

I always dressed like an outsider, even as a kid. Though growing up I always thought something was wrong with me. Now, I know its part of what makes me special. I grew up in the 80s, being Gen X. My brother who was five years older than me was always a popular kid and always into the latest styles.

He wore Jordache jeans, alligator and even polo shirts and he even got one of those weird 80s perms that was a big style for awhile for boys. I didn't wear any of those things and I was in my early teens when perms for boys became a big thing. Kids in my class all got one, so I got a crew cut because for one, I thought the perms looked silly and two, I always had to be the oddball.

My general style was jeans, sneakers and a graphic tee with a silly or sarcastic phrase on it. I think one of my favorite shirts said "I'm the only Helll my mother ever raised". Once I was into my late teens and early 20s I moved onto concert tees. Megadeth and Iron Maiden were some of my favorite shirts to wear. My mom hated all of them.

I'm not criticizing my mom, she meant well and wanted me to fit in and felt bad when kids made fun of me. In junior high, she bought me some nice, in fashion clothes and I wore them and tried to fit in. I even tried to act "normal" for awhile and I started to kind of fit in, but then I would slip and say or do something off the wall that would get kids making fun of me again.

Even the fancy clothes felt weird to wear. I was more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt than collared shirts, sweaters and whatever else. In my middle age, I was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Now to clarify my therapist gave me some self assessments and we determined I was on the spectrum. It's not a formal diagnosis, but my insurance won't pay for adult testing. Either way, this would have been useful to know as a kid, but no one really understood any of that in the 80s. I realize now what I was doing was social masking to try and fit in to keep from being ridiculed. But I couldn't maintain it.

It was highly frustrating, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me or why I said and did things that people thought were weird or crazy. It just felt normal or funny to me, but no one else seemed to think so.

Now, I'm 53 and over the years kind of been piecing together my own little style. My wife is very supportive of me being myself and I try to not be too over the top. But I like wearing hats and I always felt men got the short end of the stick with accessories, so I try to have some cool ones.

I've been experimenting with hats lately, been trying out different flat caps, but my favorite is the pork pie hat I got recently. That's the kind of fedora looking hat with a shorter brim. Its got a very distinct look and its the hat I'm wearing in the header image. I still wear graphic tees, some with my own artwork on them and because of my either arthritis or tendonitis in my left hip I use a cane now. Though I didn't get a normal cane. I got a wooden walnut cane with a skull topper carved onto it. I think the cane completes my look.

I was unsure of this at first, especially the hat. i was worried it might be too much. Especially since I wear thick black glasses and have some graying stubble I though I'd look too much like Walter White from Breaking Bad, but I have a much bigger and thicker build than he had.

So, recently while taking my mother in law to the cancer clinic for her radiation, I had two people compliment my hat saying they really liked it. One guy said it gives me character. This felt good after years as a kid being told i looked or acted weird. But now in my fifites, people are accepting my own unique look and being perceived, something I'm usually afraid of, actually felt good.

I think the key is authenticity. There are a lot of people who look and dress the same. It's easy to conform and just be "normal", but it takes a lot more to figure out what you actually like, not what the internet is telling you to like or how you should look and going with it. That thing about you that you think makes you strange or weird isn't that at all. It's what makes you special or unique. And sadly it took me most of my life to figure this out and embrace it. Now I enjoy going out wearing my hat and carrying my cane wearing whatver graphic shirt I have on.

I encourage everyone to wear and enjoy whatever you like. Whether that's band tees, Taylor Swift merch, or even something you created yourself. Wear it, show it off and show off yourself and who you really art. How you dress is a form of self expression and we should never farm that out to the collective. Be true to yourself and show the world how awesome you are!

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