You Are Not Your Worst Mistake

This has taken me years to learn. As we get older, we will all make mistakes. Some of them worse than others. Sometimes we fuck up so badly, everyone sees it, it may cause others harm and its humiliating and hurtful on multiple levels.

When this happens, we are filled with shame, sadness and a whole list of other emotions. It hurts. Having bipolar disorder, I call this not only self sabotage, but a way of traumatizing ourselves. Its a self inflicted emotional wound that sometimes never heals, but it can get better.

Owning it looks different for everyone.

The first thing we need to do is own our mistakes and our part in them. Now, this doesn't mean to appease an internet mob. Truth is, nothing you do or post for an angry internet mob will be good enough. The best thing to do in all of this is just disconnect completely. Turn off the noise. They are not seeking your restoration or healing in any kind of good faith. They just want blood.

Second can vary. For me it was getting to a therapist as soon as possible. I turned out I had something wrong with me and while its not an excuse, I was in crisis and needed medicated before I did more harm, likely to myself. But find someone to talk to, someone you trust. I realize therapy isn't accessible to everyone. But if at all possible, find someone in your corner to process things with and figure out where to go from there.

Self reflection is a big one which is something that helped me. I had to look at myself, my childhood and all my baggage and start sorting through all that mental muck to decide what kind of person I wanted to be going forward. Once again, finding the bipolar diagnosis explained a lot of past disasters.

Healing is a marathon not a sprint

For years, things would remind me of my past mistakes and I'd be triggered (yes there is that word) and go into an immediate panic attack. I'd have to call or text my therapist just to talk me back to reality. I want to mention something really bad here.

Fear of Being Perceived

For years I was scared to go in public. While it makes no sense, I was sure everyone everywhere had seen or heard about my fuck ups and would immediatly know about it and point and sneer. This is a ridiculous worry. No one had any idea who I was nor did they care. But it was a trauma response. In my head all this was very traumatic and the worst thing to happen to me.

To most of the people who did remember, they had long since forgotten and moved on to the next piece of drama. Even though I knew this, it took me years to work through it.

That brings me to another point, There will always be someone who remembers. Don't let that hurt your healing. No matter how much we heal or how much time has passed, there will always be someone who remembers it all and will pop up at the least expected time to remind you and anyone around you what an awful person you are. Don't let that drag you down. I know its easier said than done.

The fact is, these people know nothing about you. They know a snapshot of you when you were at your worst. They don't know the healing, the growth and development you've put in. Fact is, they don't care. Also one thing I've learned is these people are usually projecting. Many times they have some bigger piece of shame in their own life they are hiding. Instead of working on themselves, they just blast everyone else around them so they look morally pure, and to distract from their own awful past or habits. When online I block these people immediately. I do no engage. In person if these people were around, none of them had the guts to approach me directly. These people are miserable and you owe them nothing.

Healing isn't linear

You may have setbacks. You may have times you feel you are over it and moved on, then suddenly something or someone pops up to remind you and you feel the shame and regret sinking in. Maybe it costs you an opportunity or several which doesn't seem fair for things that happened years before. Lamenting these things will only drive us crazy.

I know its easy to say let it go, but that is what we have to do and realize it just wasn't meant for us. While my mistakes were hurtful, I feel in the end I wound up in a much better place. My past has shaped who I am today and I feel i'm a much better person now than I was before all that happened. I know I'm mentally healthier. I have a more positive outlook and treat people better.

I don't always think everything happens for a reason, but we can control the ultimate outcome. The noise of others doesn't control anything unless we let it, especially with internet people. I've changed completely how I interact on social media. The main thing, I'm very quick to block if someone gets goofy. I don't worry about oh this person could get upset, or start something if I block them. Let them stew in their rage. You control your peace, and must not let others take it from you.

Journalling helped me a lot as well. Being able to write down whatever unhinged thought you are having that only you see is very therapeutic. I started out writing in a notebook by hand, Now I use a notes app called Obsidian. It's free and localized on your computer so its not posted anywhere or in any cloud. Just you and your thoughts. I have to have a computer program because trying to journal by hand, my brain moves at 1000 mph and my hands can't keep up with it. I know there is a lot of romantization of analog journaling, but I think doint what works best for you is the way to go.

In the end, you are not your worst mistake. That is in the past, and you can heal form it and grow into a stronger and better person. Your past flubs don't define you. It can take a long time to fully wrap your brain around that, but I hope this blog helped someone at least a little bit. The sun still comes up the next day, and as long as there is air in your lungs, there is time to make it right and grow from it.

One last thought, it has also helped me in giving grace to others. Unless someone has committed irreperable harm, I feel they can be rehabilitated. To me, there are no throwaway people. Everyone matters and everyone counts. Including you. Tell yourself that daily and always remember, I'm rooting for you!

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